Trump's Military Parade, But With Real American Weapons

A play-by-play of American exceptionalism

Satire — USA — Trump’s Birthday

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America’s Weapons — Generated by Chat GPT

Hello and welcome to G-Span News. I’m your host, Jack Hennessy, reporting live from the 250th anniversary of the United States Army. It’s a sweltering day here in D.C., and the crowds are out in force for what promises to be a glorious celebration of American freedom-fighting might.

The weapons you’ll see today aren’t your everyday military showpieces. These are the real deal — the household names of global diplomacy, the ones that ensure democracy (and sometimes barbecue entire villages). Ah, and just in time, the President has arrived. I hope you can hear it at home. The murmurs are rising now, rumbling like Sherman tanks before us.

We’ve seen an impressive array so far — Apache helicopters, disposal bomb squads, and of course, our elite class of reusable flag bearers. Go get ’em, boys.

But now, something truly special.

Tear Gas.
She comes gliding down the promenade with elegance and sting. Isn’t she gorgeous? Brings a tear to the eye — literally. Look at that composure. So graceful. So necessary. So constitutionally vague. Watch her wave. A crowd favorite since the ’60s, now making a bold comeback in peaceful protest zones nationwide.

And behind her?

Agent Orange.
Still got it. The trees are wilting just as she struts by. You can feel the plants give up. Agent Orange got her start in Vietnam, where she helped “clear out” enemy tunnels — and also forests, farmland, and, well, anything with DNA. But hey, she’s resilient. You can’t cancel legacy.

Oh, and what’s that? Can you feel your skin tingling?

Here comes Napalm.
Yes, sir. The crowd goes wild. Just a classic. A tried and tested example of American ingenuity. You wouldn’t want it in your shampoo, but it gets the job done — fast, hot, and with a splash of that old-time imperial glow. God bless you, Napalm.

But wait.

Is that?

It is. It really is.

The Atomic Bomb.
Ladies and gentlemen, the GOAT.
That’s why she’s the GOAT.
Look at those curves. Those megatons. My god, those tits.
Boom, baby, boom.
There she is. Our most famous export. The influencer who paved the runway for peace through obliteration. Hiroshima’s own homecoming queen.

And finally, my personal favorite.

A Wet Towel and a Gallon of Water.
No one saw them coming. This humble duo snuck in under the radar and changed the game. They’re the indie darlings of counterterrorism. As simple and effective as American apple pie and ice cream. Minimalist. Brutalist. Certified Grade A Patriotism. God, I’m so hard right now.

It’s been a remarkable day here on the capital’s Freedom Boulevard. The tanks have rolled, the napalm has glistened, and democracy has been thoroughly firebombed into our hearts.

Back to you in the studio.

God save the King!

Photo by Luke Michael on Unsplash

Note
Respect to those who have served.