Why Gen Z is Not Having Sex: I Investigate
Low testosterone, the internet, and shorter attention spans?
Generation Pervert meets Generation Grace
Sex Bubble Church
I grew up somewhere on the west coast of Ireland in a village with a pub, a church, and a field. In my late teens, the church would be converted into a teen bubble disco — seriously — and all of us would descend upon it for our weekly socializing.
It was the only time of the week we could get the shift (kiss).
To some, allowing your teen son or daughter to go to a church at night to party and fondle each other, only ten hours after they received holy communion, may seem odd, but to Boomers and Gen Xers, it was completely normal.
Before my first kiss, a red-headed friend gave me advice on how to kiss.
Told me to roll my tongue to simulate the texture of another human's tongue.
Would simulate the shift (kiss) on an unpeeled peach.
He was helpful.
The following week would be spent in the field discussing who fingered whom and what the shift was like.
Wholesome.
I was always interested in talking about sex, listening to people talk about dildos, and comparing notes on how much sex there was to be had.
That’s why I became a writer.
But apparently not every Generation has sex.
Take Gen Z, for example.
According to the latest sex census (the field), Gen Z doesn’t have sex.
Maybe they’re afraid.
I became confused as to why they didn’t discuss dildos, so I decided to interview a young man who identifies as Gen Z.
I began gently so as not to scare him.
“Why don’t you finger girls, sissy?”
He smiled, raised his eyebrows, and stayed perfectly still.
I pressed, “Dildos. D’ya like dildos and talking about putting your tongue in other people's mouths?”
Finally, he spoke, “I have been known to kiss a lady after a date if the moment allows,”
Jesus, how old was he? 100?
“The moment allows?” I asked.
“Yes.” He said. Flat.
“It says here on this here survey that your generation is not having sex. Is it because you just don’t know how? No bubble churches? No fields?” I leaned in, tapping my notebook.
“Uhm… Bubble church?” he seemed confused.
“You know, man? Getting the shift and fingering and such, then talking about it.” I clarified.
“Oh well, I just don’t make it public, that part of myself, even for a survey.”
“You mean you just don’t talk in da field, out loud, about all the fingering you're doing?” I asked.
“No, I do not spend my time in the field or bubble church, as you put it, talking about my sexual habits.” His Apple watch beeped, “I have to go, dawg. Going to the Grand Canyon with friends to light up and chat under the stars. Enjoy the field.”
So there you have it. Generation Z doesn’t have a bubble church or a field and is celibate.
I mean, they must be if they are not willing to discuss all the fingering and shifting publicly.
What a bunch of losers.
Or maybe they’re not talking about sex because they’re too busy experiencing it. But who does that? Weirdos
Anyway, I’m off to intellectualise the time I had an orgy in a Tuscan bathhouse and how it made me a better older brother.
Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a paid subscriber or buying me a delicious coffee so I can stay up late and write some more.
This is satire.
Disco Bubble Church was real, though.
Baaaahaaaa Bubble church, so apt. I grew up Catholic, attended Catholic schools for 10 years. My first decision as an adult (after 18th birthday), was leave the church. Wise move. I've never read a man writing about fingering before. I wondered if it's the same type of fingering I know. Hahahaha .... You are so good for laughs, Peter. My grandkids are Gen Z. I am not going to ask them anything about their sex lives. But I may hint... 😅
I thoroughly enjoyed this. My son is turning six soon, he's part of generation alpha. I wonder, if this generation is so graceful, what is generation alpha going to be like!